In 2022-2023, we, a group of four students (Annika, Benjamín, Holly, and Lila) underwent research looking into the system of au pairing in the Netherlands, and the lives of au pairs during their stay. During this time, we learnt a lot and saw ways in which we thought au pairs’ lives could be improved, especially in times of crisis.
We found that au pairs and hosts could benefit from independent resources about au pairing that didn’t come from people with investment in the au pairing industry: we are not after your money here, and we do not benefit by you becoming invovled in the au pair industry.
We have put together this website in response to what we learnt and heard, in order to help prospective au pairs/host families who are thinking of getting au pairs, and au pairs who may be in need.
If you are an au pair, a host parent, or know someone who may be interested in becoming an au pair, it could be worth keeping this website handy just in case.
There are multiple ways in which countries organise their au pair programs, as we heard frequently throughout our research. In the Netherlands, au pairing is viewed as a cultural exchange, where you are accepted into a host family (as a member), and perform light housework and childcare in return. Au pairs and their families sign a contract through an agency before starting, which is a mandatory step for legal au pairing. This contract outlines what kind of labour you can and cannot do, so it’s important to read it and keep it handy. The IND is the official government organisation which handles au pairing, and it publishes up-to-date information about the program.
As a member of your new family, you have the right to stand up for yourself in situations where you’re being asked to do something that you don’t like, if you want/need something, if you’re being asked to do something illegal (like labour outside of your contract agreement), or if you simply have something to say. It is going to be uncomfortable, but this is also an experience to explore your own boundaries: it’s up to you to stand up for yourself and figure where your own boundaries lie.
Broadening perspective - exactly why you’re here
… and they also expect you to be the same. We found countless conflicts and miscommunications where host families expected their au pair to be direct, or where the au pair felt upset about the way their host family spoke to them, despite it being very typical Dutch directness. If you’re aware of it before, you’re less likely to be offended or run into any problems. Feel free to tell your host family that you’re not used to this kind of communication, and tell them how you prefer it: it’s meant to be a cultural exchange for both sides, after all!
We heard it said quite frequently that host families invited au pairs into their homes because they needed cheap, around-the-clock childcare and/or cleaning services. This is not what an au pair is for. So, “what is an au pair for”, you say? Au pairs come to you looking for a way to see new parts of the world. Often they may have interests in childcare, but the main reason they are with you is because they want to experience something in a new part of the world, as cheaply as possible. You should not treat them like they’re working for you. You do not pay them. You’re not their boss.
The money that you give an au pair is called ‘pocket money’ for a reason. Just like you may give your own child pocket money, this money is meant to cover things like trips, own snacks, recreational activities with friends, etc. It is not a wage. The reccomended amount of pocket money has not increased in many years, despite inflation and rise in cost of living. If you can, we would reccomend that you give your au pair an adjusted rate based on these factors. This money is their own, they can decide what they do with it. You should give the au pair basic quality-of-life things that you would give your other children, such as meals, hygiene products, menstrual products, etc.
Part of the expectation of a cultural exchange as an au pair is that they are welcomed into the host family. This is often mostly felt if you: 1) don’t comment on the “strangeness” in their cultural behaviour; 2) make sure they don’t feel shame about eating shared food in the household; 3) treat them with respect, especially when asking for tasks to be done. It’s your’s (and the au pair’s) choice as to how you integrate them into your family: we heard many positive stories of au pairs feeling like an eldest sibling, cousin, aunt/uncle, or family friend, but in positive situations we almost always heard this sort of relationship. A family is more than just the nuclear family!
Talk to your au pair about the situation! We heard many different situations regarding the holiday. Au pairs can either go with you on the holiday and have a holiday at the same time, go with you and continue work as an au pair, stay behind and go on their own trip, or stay behind and look after your home/pets. It should be a joint decision, not one you make on your own. Open communication between you and your au pair is the key!
The room that you give your au pair should ideally have a lock, and its own bathroom if possible. This is to acknowledge their privacy. Au pairs we spoke to often struggled with work/life seperation, and feeling like they had to chores or look after the children all the time. Naturally, if your job is being a sibling, this is difficult! So, you should give them a hand with creating this balance. You will negotiate working hours with your au pair in a contract at the beginning of your year, and it’s important not to overstep this without consent.